BETTER WASH THE DISHES AFTER DINNER: THE COST OF UNSPOKEN CONVERSATIONS

“I love you ‘cause you tell me things I want to know”, ASK ME WHY, THE BEATLES.

Human and personal communication has never been a strong suit for lawyers. The famous paper of Larry Richard “Herding Cats: The Lawyer Personality Revealed” describes the weak spots of lawyers according to extensive research done in the analysis of rainmakers. Sociability is one of them, meaning the difficulty in getting involved in intimate and human relationships. Lawyers tend to thrive in more technical and legal environments. As a consequence, facing difficult situations and conversations with other lawyers becomes a mountain too hard to climb. Especially among partners. This brings substantial problems and communication breakdowns that lawyers find very hard to overcome. But before I continue with law firms and lawyers, let me tell you about a personal lesson I received during the pandemic.

We have all learned many things during the lockdown months in 2020. One of my fascinating experiences was to learn about the art of washing dishes (that role was assigned to me for lack of qualities for a more sophisticated function, like cooking). In the beginning I used to pack the sink with dirty dishes after dinner that I would rinse the following day -not necessarily early- before putting them in the dishwasher. The next day I would spend some time -more than I was hoping- rinsing all the dirty dishes. Greasy stuff and sauces would require intensive treatment since they stuck heavily to the dish. Often, the burden of washing dishes would overshadow the feeling of a delicious dinner. When my wife saw me struggling with this apparently simple activity she recommended that I should try to rinse the dishes right after dinner and not the following day. I was initially reluctant to do that, but I tried it and … voilá! All the dirt came out quite easily from all the dishes, even in the greasier ones. A tiring and boresome obligation suddenly turned into a simpler and faster activity.

This simple life experience triggered -once again- some reflections about how lawyers and partners interact with each other. A lot of needed and difficult conversations are often avoided by lawyers within the firm, especially among partners. Any conversation that might trigger negative feelings of rejection and lack of self-appreciation is delayed or completely avoided. This a common difficulty for many human beings, but lawyers have some specific traits that make this situation more complex: (i) the limited sociability mentioned above; (ii) a false sense of respect that comes from a collegial relationship between lawyers, especially among partners; and (iii) a vague sense of hope that, any problem or unwanted circumstance that we avoid talking about, will disappear after some time by itself. The truth is that reasons (ii) and (iii) above are just excuses to avoid acknowledgement of the limitations mentioned in (i). There seems to be a certain dignity and gentleman style if we just avoid a difficult conversation. But just looking the other way does not make anything go away; in fact, it normally increases the problem or dissatisfaction the conversation should try to address. I have encountered very limited situations where not talking has helped in solving a problem. It’s even worse, silence produces what I would describe as an “unspoken conversation” effect.

“Unspoken conversations” are situations where there is “an elephant in the room” impossible to avoid being seen. When a conversation about the elephant is avoided, people in the room start interpreting other signals and messages, like expressions and behaviors that could give light into what the elephant is really about for the people in the room. Those “unspoken conversations” can become very confusing and messy, with negative consequences and bad feelings. In my role as consultant during all these years, one of the main functions I played was putting words to “unspoken conversations” among partners. Those words being said by a third-party expert seemed to have a much better flavor for everybody and a solution was found. But it is obvious that this is a temporary solution and that partners (individually and as a group) should face this limitation and develop skills to avoid these blockades caused by “unspoken conversations”.

Ronald Heifetz, the Harvard professor who developed the concept of “adaptative leadership” suggests that conflict is a necessary path through which solutions are found and problems are solved. The elephants need to be faced and recognized. That requires a conversation that will most likely be difficult. But it is through these difficult conversations that relationships and organizations grow and become mature. Difficult conversations are a much healthier road to pursue than the unspoken version of them.

A first step to be taken by the leaders of the firm is to make an honest introspection of what is the culture of the firm in this regard. Do we foster open conversations among partners for sharing information and sensitive matters? Are we flexible in listening to different points of view from partners on various topics affecting the life of the firm? More importantly, how do we handle difficult situations with partners? Do we talk openly and directly about them or prefer to hide them or send indirect messages (“unspoken conversations”)? Conservative firms and lawyers tend to be very reserved and reluctant to open conversations. That creates a stable and agreeable environment on the surface; but problems are silenced and hardly solved. Moreover, the general environment is polluted and the initial purpose is defeated.

Things that remain unspoken and unsolved become stickier and harder to solve, like the dirt in the dishes. If you face the problems and difficult situations while they are fresh, chances are that they will be solved and disappear. Delaying or procrastinating is a bad strategy to solve problems that depend on human behavior.

Partners need to give a thorough examination at the matter of “unspoken conversations” in the firm. Silence will hardly improve partners’ relationships and dynamics. The elephant in the room needs to be addressed, even if it feels difficult and sensitive. The fantasy that “unspoken conversations” produce better relationships is a big misunderstanding of how human beings work. As in the Beatles’ song we will be loved if we are able to speak out what other partners want to know. Let’s start working on what.